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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
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me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
When your man makes a valid point
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face