{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
bad news gang
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Cow it started Cow it’s going
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.