*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.