@Proxic0n

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

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@myonlymizztake

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

@DanMentos

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

@WiseguyPictures

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

@Laser_Cat

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

@iamTannenbaum

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

@darksidedeb

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

@UncleDuke1969

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”