SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Mission: Impossible
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more