Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold