Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
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It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.