Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
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HEYYYY MACARENA
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night