[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“We will wed,” I threatened
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.