*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I don’t get marriage
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
You’ll be OK