Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

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So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.


Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no


Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.


Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.


Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass


Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.


Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.


Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?


She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.


I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.