So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Officer: have you been drinking?
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.