Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Extremely relatable.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
ME (calling my horse with no name):
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera