“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
You Might Also Like
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
#dnd #ttrpg
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.