Sweet. Free refrigerators!
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.