Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
This fish is cracking me up
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”