Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
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Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
no such thing as a dumb question
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.