sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
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My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
WHY?!
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything