“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
How I like cutting carbs
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.