[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
You Might Also Like
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.