“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER