Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again