*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.