*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
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[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.