*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’