Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Print is alive and well!!!
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Room with a view.
Hit me in the face with a bird
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”