[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
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“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.