[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Storm Tropical Storm
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Breaking news:
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
OH. COME. ON.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.