Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

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[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there


Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.


If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.


Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da


Me: shit

Daughter: shit


Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.


I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.


I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it


Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.


As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.