synchronized noseblowing
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Bring back the McRib