Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.