@IGotsSmarts
@serialmatrix God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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@serialmatrix 
@SortaBad [god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
@murrman5 [reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
@BuckyIsotope Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
@robfee “That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
@aveuaskew ” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
@Dishy2101 Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
@pleatedjeans me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
@scarebro Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
@Humor_Fetish There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.