“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

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God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.


[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this


[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat


Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.


“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.


” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”



Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.


me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order


Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.


There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.