“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
You Might Also Like
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*