@IGotsSmarts

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

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@MrSpoonicorn

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

@Gupton68

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

@squirrel74wkgn

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

@MichaelTrying

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

@Alex_but_online

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

@treydayway

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

@whatsJo

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

@zuza_real

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

@UnFitz

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets