t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
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Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”