My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
me: dogs have 4 legs
me: so do tables
me: so dogs are tables
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out