T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
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*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Its true…
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
peep davidson
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here