T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.