T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.