@Reverend_Scott

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

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@BabetteJones

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

@deKenstruction

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

@LurkAtHomeMom

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

@JediGigi

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

@sarcasticmommy4

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

@BubblesnBooze

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

@RickAaron

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004