@Reverend_Scott

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

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@NewDadNotes

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

@clichedout

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

@mjkspeaks

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

@werehedgehog

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

@NewDadNotes

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

@Rollmaninoz

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

@valerie_tosi

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

@simoncholland

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.