t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”