(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Our lord and savoury.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE