Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Get in loser we’re going crying
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen