Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I love wikipedia
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.