Taco Bell, Exit 22
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I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.