Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
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HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch