Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.