@AnnieKnowby

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

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@ItsAndyRyan

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

@KeetPotato

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

@sarahyehia82

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

@AndrewChamings

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

@thajawn

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

@mydmac

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

@Browtweaten

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

@AlanFelyk

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

@AndyAsAdjective

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

@

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*