If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
You Might Also Like
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*