Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”