taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
You Might Also Like
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Google assistant rules
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man