Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something