Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
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Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.