tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Perfect
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*