tag yourself
You Might Also Like
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Breaking news:
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for