Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
m’lady
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.