Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
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My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
when you are just born a rebel
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?