@LoveNLunchmeat You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
@robdelaney Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
You Might Also Like
@LoveNLunchmeat 
@Reverend_Scott WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
@HotBitHoran *Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
@billmaher Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
@lisaxy424 Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
@junejuly12 Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
@goldengateblond The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
@StyloDad [Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
@Gupton68 the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
@GraniteDhuine I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar