@robdelaney

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

@HotBitHoran

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

@billmaher

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

@junejuly12

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

@goldengateblond

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

@StyloDad

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

@Gupton68

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch