Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.


WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit


ME: I said, nice squid


*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*


Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money


Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?


Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.


[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?


the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch